| the plan, the reason, the fucking truth |
[May. 27th, 2004|04:18 pm] |
everything is in the clear now. i know.
i know now that i will kill myself.
i need now only to know when why and how
i know why.
i know its because i can never be the best.
i know its because i can never be any good at all.
its because even though i try so hard to be good, i can never be perfect, and i can never even be worth anything.
no matter how much i want to be better or how hard i try to be better, i fail.
im no good to my family
im no good to my friends
im no good to my girlfriend
im no fucking good
so i will get my affairs in order.
i will talk to my dad about this.
i will set everything straight.
i will say my goodbyes.
ill be gone, sir.
in all my life all i ever wanted was to make others happy.
i failed.
all i wanted was to be the best.
society expects that of me
i expect that of myself
she even told me
i wasnt the best
im no fucking good.
i cant even make myself happy
i cant do anything my parents tell me to
i cant
i dont want any sympathy
i wanted some love
some respect
i dont deserve either
now all i want is a goodbye.
so i may exit
to the hell i am destined for
even God couldn't have mercy on me
i cant even love God
no matter how much i want to
do anything
i cant
i failed
so ill be around
soon ill have a date of departure
because im not fucking random
i love you all |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2004|11:09 pm] |
so i went to her house today. i love spending time with her. in fact, i love her. why do i always fall in so deep? she doesnt love me back. not at all it seems. maybe when we're together, but it could just be a show. on the phone or computer its not as it use to be. it use to be lies. lies. lies. fucking lies lies lies. why do people do this to me? I DESERVE IT OK! i know i do...but...i mean...this isnt the first time. people cant see that i have a heart? that it beats? that i'd love nothing more than to stop it? heh, tried that one allready, only got me more trouble, didn't it? not like you care. not like she cared.
so now i'm in a sick quandary. whats real? whats fake? whats truth? whats a lie?
i saw a picture of her ex boyfriend. that sick bastard. that sick bastard who used her. but i realized i'll never be as good. i'll never be as beautiful. but ill never fucking use anyone.
sometimes i wonder about you. who are you? are you happy? i hope you're happy because thats all i wanted. you changed so fast. you were the world to me once. are you truly who i once knew? if so, than i miss you. i heard so much...that its hard for me to distinguish sometimes, but i love you. do you know who you are yet?
the world is so red. stained with the blood of the innocent. and i lie there in the gutter that once was jersey city spilling out more blood than anyone. im so blind.
maybe one day ill confront the demon. ill tell her what shes doing wrong. not like she'll care. not like it will change anything. or maybe she'll tell me the truth as well. thats she's 100% sick of me. i dont blame her. i just have no right to be mad at her. because she'd have no problem getting rid of me, and i can't take that again. the first time it was so dark. i didn't know how to surface. then i saw a light, a false light perhaps. but still i hang on to what i caught. but next time ill keep falling. until i hit the fucking bottom. and i'll lie there in hell crying silently. until forever wondering. why i can't be any good. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2004|01:30 pm] |
Thus it begins. This is the truth. This is the real story of my life. No one will be reading this. No one wll care. But when the time comes for reconsiliation, you will all be a bit wiser to how good and evil came together to make me.
Practice peace in the mean time, and may it remain with you always. |
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